someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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