I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
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