I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Sacagawea was the original milf.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
