I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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