We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
It's official drugs can't kill me
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
