I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
