i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED