Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
