Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
