Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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