He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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