the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
