I feel great
I just peed on a car
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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