I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
