I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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