I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Randomize
