Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I need to stop coming to work sober
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
God I need to hump something, right now.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
