i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
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she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
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It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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