he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
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He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
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Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.