i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
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It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
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Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC