There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
