Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
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i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
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Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.