He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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