dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
