be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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