dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
