he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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