My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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