ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
im calling her cock vulture from now on
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
