I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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