SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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