Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
