Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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