I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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