the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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