I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
