Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
