tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
