someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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