When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
They took my balls.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
