Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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