I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
