she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize