True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
All the doctor said was why
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
