Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
