Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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