if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
