Do you still have your period?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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