Welp...herpes.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
