I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
