Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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