My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
