Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
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Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
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I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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