I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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