Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
foreskin is a definite game changer
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
