I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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