The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I am mentally ready for anal.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
