i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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